dontwait4today

Sometimes i hate him and i wish he would just get it over with and leave... he always says once they are all 18 my job is done and i have no reason to stay... why just leave us hanging and have us love you for another year why not just leave now?? we can make it with out you... i dont understand it at all... i know your secret despite what i let you know i do know that there is someone else just waiting and she was there before us she will be there after us if that was the life you wanted why did you start a new one with someone you didnt truely love?? someone you didnt fully think you could spend your life with? did your vows mean nothing to you because to her they meant the world she stands by you even when she knows that you dont love her anymore... i dont think you fully understand the damage you are doing to us not only to her you seem to forget that you are our father and you need to show some interest in us... ever since i saw you writing her things have been different between us it seems as though the only reason you took any interest in the things that are going on in my life is to keep me quiet and instead of giving me "hush" money you give the attention that i have always longed for from you i just want you to know that i dont need it i dont need you... now dont missunderstand... if you left i would miss you but i feel that you are wrong in this... i know that she isnt perfect but she has never done what you are doing now and that isnt fair... the worst part of it all though is that i cant say anything because i know it would absolutely kill her from the inside out and you would be the one to blame... i hope you realize one day the pain you are causing me and i have told your secret to someone... i have let it slip and if they let it slip to her i wont be even a little sorry...

so fuck you and your games... i hope you find a way to right your wrongs.

your loving daughter
Jessica

PARTY ON JULY 2nd CALL ME IF YOU ARE INTERESTED!!!



LOVE YA JESS

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i miss everything i had...

i saw you standing there and i felt a shy faint smile form on my face but then i saw her walking towards you and knew it was too good to be true...the thing i dont understand though is why did you tell me that im the one you want to be with when you are sitting there with her by your side...why would you do some thing like that to such a fragile heart? you said "she is my best friend and i cant just walk away from her...i know she doesnt want to be with me but i cant seem to let go..." why do you do these thing... how is it that you have such a hold on me?? i swore i wouldnt ever let myself fall again... i guess i lied.

fuck it...

_jess_

prom was absloutely perfect!! every aspect of it could not have been any better from the person i went with to what we did before and after it was all just like one big dream!! Brian was just fantastic a perfect gentleman he made me feel like i was the only girl in the whole world... i havent been made to feel like that i a very long time... it was wonderful! our pictures we took at his house were flawless he looked pretty and so did i it was so unexplainably perfect...we are going to the desert soon... that will be fun ive never been and i have never wanted to go with anyone more than i do with him he promised me that i would be unforgettable and i know hes right! *sigh* ill see him next weekend so im happy about that... well its time for work now...
love ya
Jess

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

after tomorrow everything is going to be different everything is going to change my everything will turn into nothing and im ok with that... im scared more than anything after tomorrow i dont have to deal with it ever again... i never have to feel that pain again i never have to acknowledge that it ever happened ever again. that i a page in the past after tomorrow.. that is it its over. it is a really real thought to think abotu and if you all knew how if feels to know that the stress of it all will be over and done with it is just amazing... i wish i could just openly talk about it but i cant it is something that i have to keep hidden deep inside of my soul and it cant be revealed. i fear that if i were to slip and let it out it would come back to haunt me... my every thought,movement,breath,word, dream, nightmare... just everything... it would all go back to how it was...and i cant handle even the thought of it...

he hugged me today and it was weird i didnt feel anything more than just the pressure of his hands on my back and the warmth of his sweater from standing in the sun... it was almost mind numbing how much i didnt feel... i miss everything i had with him... it was perfect... almost like a broken record but now that is over too... it was over before it even started it seemed... *sigh* its quite sad.

she told me today that things will look up soon and i hope she is right because if she was wrong i cant see myself holding on for much longer... it is getting so hard to see what this greatness is that you all speak so fondly of... i cant seem to shake this feeling that i am constantly being watched and the world is but a stage and we are all puppets on the stage being controlled by a power much greater than you or i have any control over... this feeling of hopelessness is just so overwhelming its sad...

Giselle is home i missed her she was gone for 10 days in europe she had fun but im so relieved that she is home!!

well now its time for me to take one last bow on this stage of life and simply leave it at good bye...
Jessica

"You want a why. Well, maybe there isn't one. Maybe... Maybe this is just something that happened. "


"And that's when i figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing about tears, they can't make somebody that doesn't love you anymore love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for all the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war with them. And they never know which side their gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try and do something good, it still turns out bad. "



"Maybe in all of this there's a reason? Maybe in all of this there's a why?"

i thought this was different and i caught my attention so i thought i would post it...

this is a letter to a dear friend...

to my friend so far away... i wish there was an easy way for me to tell you whats on my mind whats in my heart all we left behind...i truely miss you and feel your pain...i hope this baby brings you whatever it is you are looking for... i hope it helps you to find yourself... im sorry i cant help you more... but lets be honest even if ihad the chance i cant say that i would be able to look you in the eye and tell you that im happy for you! all i have left to say to you is that i am sorry... sorry for everything that i have and will do...

♥ BRANDON!! I miss you and i hope that everything straightens out for you soon... maybe we can get together and do something...you know your my favorite... and im sorry for everything i told you on my moms birthday... i feel like i made things weird... if i didnt then forget i even brought it up i just had to get that all off of my chest! well hunny... i miss ya and love ya!

JUSTY!! im so happy for you... with your permit and all... that is so awesome!! i love you justy and we need to have our day soon i feel like im going crazy with everything lately!!

♥
Jessica

so i want tattoos... there isnt anything wrong with that right? for me a tattoo will be a way for me to feel more comfortable in my own skin... i love the idea of having someones art on me as an expression of who they are and how they portray things with an added twist to how i like things... i dont know makes sense to me it might not to anyone else but that isnt the end of the world...

♥ this is how i feel today

¤ sad
¤ lonely
¤ mislead
¤ decieved
¤ broken
¤ hurt
¤ shaken

heres something... thats all it is is somethin...

Have you ever been told "Here's your proof, the words 'best friends' mean nothing."?

Have you been told that you shouldnt have believed them, everythings going to happen again, and people never change. You shouldnt be so gullable, you shouldnt accept their apologies, when Ive never heard one from you.

Have you ever tried to help someone you love, and you try, but you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. You dont want to change them because you love them for who they are, if you didnt you wouldnt have stuck through it all with them.

Have you ever let the phone ring as you watched it, but not answering because you think words could only make things worse, when you really long to answer, spill your heart, to pull it from your chest and hand it to them, but you wont because you cant give your heart away again, making yourself vulnerable, once more succeptable to more pain, more guilt, and more lonely feelings full of regret.

Has someone ever told you "I just dont think youre strong enough."

Have you ever pretended like it didnt kill you to see someone you care so much about say the things they are saying as if you werent standing two feet from them listening to them say the most hurtful things about someone youve ever heard, then realize theyre refering to you. Like it didnt hurt to see someone you care about so much look so unaffected by the things theyve said. You know you could do the same, almost worse, but you wont, you dont have the heart for it.

Have you ever felt like if they werent waiting for you on the other side of the glass staring at you, awaiting your arrival for them to unleash theyre guilt trip upon you, to make you more miserable than you already are, you would turn and run for as long as you possibly could before your legs broke or you couldnt breathe?

Have you ever wondered how someone you cared about so much, so deeply, so truly, could pretend to feel the same toward you, but when they got the chance to hurt you, they jump at the opportunity? You know they wont stop until they are assured you are deeply miserable with feelings of guilt and regret, and with the hovering feeling that its all your fault, even if it isnt, youll take the blame, hoplessly waiting for things to return to the way they were, when you were both "happy" and "content" with who you were and the way things were.

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and set things straight, not do the things that you regret, the things that got you here, eyes cried out so much you cant see, so out of breath you couldnt catch it for the life of you, made yourself sick with regret, till you didnt eat for days, trembling so much you cant sleep.

Have you ever felt like you should let them know how you feel but thought it was less painful keeping your mouth shut. If you told them how you really felt you would have the fear of them showing you once again how easily they could hurt you. You keep your heart open, willing and waiting to be crushed over and over, and think its best not to say anything and pretend it doesnt hurt to think things will never be the same, and knowing what you know now, knowing that in you heart keeping quiet is heavenly compared to the hell your living in now.

Someone i admire and love very much, told me "It's not your enemies who hurt you, its the ones you care about most."

now i wish i wouldnt have said all i did because now that is all i can think about and it makes me feel foolish, almost lost.

Jessica

i stole this from Chris it is really sad but true... ♥

Mike and Jasmine are sitting alone in the park, one night.

Mike:
I guess we are the left overs in this
world

Jasmine:
I think so, all of my friends have
boyfriends and we are only the 2 persons left in
this world with out any special person in our life

Mike:
Yup I don't know what to do

Jasmine:
I know! We'll play a game

Mike:
What game?

Jasmine:
i'll be your girl friend for 30 days and
you will be my boy friend

Mike:
That's a great plan in fact i don't have
nothing to do much this following weeks...

DAY 1:

They watch their first movie and they both
touched
in a romantic film

DAY 4:

They went to the beach and have a picnic...
Mike and Jasmine have their quality time together

DAY 12:

Mike invited Jasmine to a circus and they ride
on a Horror House. Jasmine was scared and
she touched Mike's hand but she touched
someone else's hand and they both laughed.

DAY 15:

They saw a fortune teller down the road and
they asked for their future advice and the fortune
teller said: "My darling, Please don't waste the time
of your life...Spend the rest of your time together
happily" Then tears flow out from the teller's
eyes

DAY 20:

Jasmine invited Mike to go to the hill and they
saw a meteor...Jasmine mumbled something

DAY 28:

They sat on the bus and because of a bumby
road Jasmine gave her first kiss to Mike by
accident

DAY 29:

11:37pm

Jasmine and Mike sat in the park where they
first decided to play this game...

Mike:
I'm tired Jasmine...Do you want any
drinks? I'll buy you one.. I'll just go down the
road

Jasmine:
Apple Juice that's all

Mike:
Wait for me.

20mins later; a stranger approached Jasmine

Stranger:
Are you a friend of Mike?

Jasmine:
Why yes? What happened?

Stranger:
A reckless drunken driver ran over
Mike and he is critical in the hospital

11:57pm

The doctor went out of the emergency room
and he handed out an apple juice and a letter

Doctor:
We found this in mike's pocket

Jasmine reads the letter and it says:

Jasmine, This past few days, i realized you are
a really cute girl and i am really falling for you..
I cherish smile your everything when we played
this game; before this game would end. I would
like you to be my girl friend for the rest of my
life. I love you Jasmine.

Jasmine crumples the paper and shouted:

"Mike ! i don't want you to die. I love
you, Remember that night when we saw a
meteor, I mumbled something; I mumbled
that I wish we would be together forever and never
end this game. Please don't leave me Mike. I
love you! You cannot do this to me"

Then the clock strikes 12

Mike's heart stop pumping

THEN IT WAS THE 30TH DAY;


********************************
********************************
********************************
********************************
********************************

Always love your loved ones and show them
how you feel before it is too late...You will never
know when they will be gone from your embrace...If
you were given a time to bestow petals of
everlasting compassion and love to your loved ones?
Today is the day, love them while they are still
here.

Copy Paste and after 24hours, Your loved
one will realized how special they are to you

this weekend was so much fun i dont even know where to begin!! saturday was my moms birthday party and that had its ups and downs erin was here not much more needs to be said about that because well anyone who knows her knows that just the name is self explanitory... my best friend brandy was here and she just made it so much easier to cope with the difficulties of the night... brandon came and that was wonderful the night was pretty stressful until that point... justy came and i love him!! we danced! it was brilliant!! my mom had a great time!! she turned 40 and she said that after this party we are gonna start counting backwards until she reached 21 again then at that point we will just get stuck at 21! i love my mommy she is the greatest! she plays drinking games with people *cough* me *cough* and she dances with people she just meets to make them feel like family! i love it! i think we are gonna have another party next month for my daddy he doesnt really let loose i guess you could say so next month is his time to have fun! ♥ i love my family ♥

so that was saturday then sunday just kinda happened... i woke up around 10:30 and as soon as i came down stairs i was on my way back up to get me shoes so i can take home my friend and his little brother and i was seriously 1 mile from his house and my car just dies without any warning what so ever it was just lovely... but what started out really bad was actually a good time... my friends mom came and picked up him and his brother so there i was in oceanside with my brandy and we were sitting on my car just waitin for my dad so i call up brandon and she calls her friend brian and we went across the street to get something to eat so as we are sitting there i got really happy cuz there was brandon i think brandy actually got a little mad that he came i dont know why but her whole attitude changed she got all quiet and withdrawn i dont know it was just weird. driving home was uncomfortable there was a lot of awkard silence... kinda odd... that whole sunday story didnt really make any sense at all but thats ok it wasnt all that important anyway. HAHAHHAHA!
well i must be going now ill talk to you all soon!!

♥ Jessica ♥

oh and ps by the way....

brandon i really think you should answer the questions... LOL...

all you do is sit around and bitch and tell me im wrong how the fuck would you know when you are always gone? dont sit there and tell me how much you "care" thats all bull shit and i dont want to hear it anymore... tell me why is it that everytime i find myself comfortable with someone they have to go and make things hard for me to realize and understand?? its not even that i dont understand its just that people make it hard for me to care anymore... i dont want to feel the way i do it just seems inevitable and it is so unwelcome...

brandon...i miss you

justin ill see you soon...maybe saaturday


good bye is so harsh and yet that is all i seem to hear
the slamming of a door is so final and youll see thats all i see

Jessica

this is something i just found interesting!! no one really has to answer just thought it was i dont know thought it was something...hahaha!

1. Have we kissed?:
2. Do you want to?:
3. What would you like our relationship to be?:
4. Have we dated?:
5. Did you like it?:
6. Do you want to date?:
7. Are we close friends?:
8. Would you be here if I needed you?:
9. Are you attracted to me?:
10. Mentally, sexually, or both?:
11. Do you love me?:

Appearance
Do you like my-

12. Face?:
13. Eyes?:
14. Lips?:
15. Body?:
16. Arms?:
17. Legs?:
18. Clothes?:
19. Ass?:
20. Hands?:
21. Hair?:

Do think I'm-

22. Sexy?:
23. Beautiful?:
24. Hot?:
25. Cute?:

Personality

Do you think I'm-
26. Crazy?:
27. Nice?:
28. Fun to be around?:
29. Funny?:
30. Annoying?:

Would you..

31. Share chocolate with me?:
32. Spend a weekend with me?:
33. Alone?:
34. Hook up with me?:
35. Have sex with me?:
36. Care if I ran away?:
37. Care if I died?:
38. Miss me if I left?:
39. Hang out with me?:

What would you do if..

40. I kissed you?:
41. You found out I was missing?:
42. You found out I was in the hospital?:
43. You found out I was dead?:
44. I cried?:
45. I asked you for help?:
46. I told you I loved you?:
47. I told you I hated you?:
48. Someone told you I wanted you to kiss me?:
49. Someone told you I had a crush on you?:

In the last week have you..

50. Wanted to kiss me?:
51. Wanted to see me?:
52. Wanted to have sex with me?:
53. Wanted to tell me you loved me?:
54. Wanted to spend alone time with me? *wink*:
55. Wanted to get to know me better?:
56. Thought about me?:
57. Missed me?:
58. Wanted me?:
59. Seen me?:
60. Kissed me?:

Have I..

61. Kissed you?
62. Hugged you?
63. Told you I loved you?:
64. Made you happy?:
65. Made you sad?:
66. Made you angry?:
67. Made you feel better if you were upset?:

Are you..

68. Happy you know me?:
69. Going to post this is so I can answer it?:

my friend sent this to me and i thought i would share it because it is pretty true... and its just cute....

GIRL'S FACTS

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
She is wondering how long you will be
around.

When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a
few seconds,
She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention.

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday,
She wants to be pampered.

When a GIRL says "I love you",
She means it.

When a GIRL says that she can't live
without you,
She has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a GIRL says "I miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more
than that

i get excited over little things in life... i make silly wishes on shooting stars... i love birthday parties... i would rather get drunk then high... i like the way a fire place looks after the wood has fully burned... my favorite book is the giving tree... poetry puts my mind at ease... i love my dog... my best friend is a girl named brandy... my other best friend is a boy named taylor... i am trying to remember who i was before him... "listen very closely to me my love, dreams are like paper... so easily torn" gilda rattner-SNL '78... i feel that being in love is the ultimate feeling of satisfaction... making a goal and actually reaching it are 2 totally different things... i like to use big words to make myself sound intelegent... reading is a hobby... i would rather pick flowers then buy them... i find it odd how you can want something so bad for so long but once it happens at times it feels wrong... im saving myself for marriage... temptation is a bitch... i feel strongly for what i believe in... a life without convictions is boring... i am stubborn... i have a pink ribbon... i like ball room dancing, swing dance, and salsa dancing... i would like to have 4 kids... i like pace salsa... im addicted to franks red hot... hot tamales are my favorite... i would rather drink water than soda... my favorite food is waffles... sometimes i like to play hide and go seek... when i was young my favorite game was chutes and ladders... now my favortie game is life or monoply...stars are my trade mark... i think a kiss can say more than a thousand words... sometimes saying nothing is better... i like to eat... the beach is my happy place... i like talking on the phone late at night about nonsense... meeting new people is fun... i wish he would call... his name is garrett "2 r's 2 t's"... i like nascar... football bores me... hockey is fun... i like to swim... i love long hikes... im a hopeless romantic and i fall for pick up lines.... so do you think you know me now?? i have to say that even though there are all these things you now know i still feel like a stranger to you...

Jessica

i like it when it rains... i eat waffles with jelly and pancakes with peanut butter...i like the feeling i get when my best friend tells me he loves me...i would rather walk than drive... i like it when people hold my hand... when people touch my hips it gives me chills... i have been in love... i have had my heart shattered...i like dirty jokes... i prefer watermelon over candy... i am really shy... playing 21 questions is my favorite... i like to sing in the shower... my sister is my best friend... pink is NOT my favorite color... stars are my trade mark... who framed roger rabbit is my all time favorite movie... i wear a big pink bow in my hair... there will be more later but i gotta go for now...
Jess

hokay so i got a prom date and i must admit i didnt think that i would be as happy as i am... but i am freaking estatic!! his name is brian and i have had a "crush" on this boy for quite a while so to be going to my senior prom with him is just wonderful!! but there is someone else that i want to go to ranchos prom with but i dont want to ask him and he is already graduated so i dont know ill prolly just go to ranchos with one of my buddies... that would be fun too except for the fact that i would like to go with this boy who shall remain nameless for the time being...(justy ill tell you who it is later) so yeah tonight i have work and tomorrow i have a book report due for a book that i didnt read... THank GOD for movies about books!! hahahaha i love it... i feel so shakey right now... shakey with excitement... i love it... i like this happy feeling...

BRANDON!!! i miss you and we need to hang otu again soon... talking is fun though. i think that the other night we had the longest conversation that we have ever had... that was nice! we should go to lunch/dinner or something one day between your work and school schedule. i would like that i think... i think that would be a good time.. just let me knwo what you think...

JUSTIN!! MY LOVE!! BRITNEY SPEARS AND STARBUCKS!! you cant go wrong there...

well guys i love you all and i will talk to you soon!!


kisses and hugs...

♥
the midget from temecula!!

this weekend was so much fun!!
we went to a party in corona on saturday it was fun... the party was for our friend who is having his foot amputated which sucks but it is what he wants so i guess it isnt all that bad... im thinking that i want to go to a party with people my age so that i dont have to be thr responsible one and i can get drunk and just enjoy myself... that would be great does anyone know of any parties in the next couple of weeks?? then yesterday we went to valley center to our friends house for dinner and i had a wonderful time... i just love this ladies kids they are so sweet! she has 5 kids and for having so many they are excellent kids... very well behaved.

i was thinking...
there is this boy... why does it always have to be a boy?? why not something a little less time consuming?? haha just kidding... but yeah there is this boy that i am slightly really interested in but the problem is i dont know if he is interested back and i am too shy to find out... what a lame excuse huh?? no but seriously that is the way it is... there are subtle things that make me think to myself... self maybe just maybe he is interested back but you will never know unless you ask and that my friend is just not gonna happen =D... see what i get for being shy?? uncertainty... hahahaha... its ok i am better off not knowing i think.. there is less of a chance for disappointment that way...

today is valentines day and i am all by my lonesome again this year... thats ok though cuz this weekend i am going to be with my best friend and we are gonna live it up the way we should!! i love my friends they are the best...

there is this boy named... well we wont name names... but he really needs to come and visit me soon... you know on your way to redlands or something... just stop by and say hello... i know i know i should go to Vista but my sad little car wont make it and if i get stranded down there i have no where to stay love... so that is why i dont come down im sorry =(!

well i have to go and be counterproductive... that is my favorite... just joking

♥
the only one who doesnt have a valentine... just kidding
Jessica

you know today i realized yo myself that i only write when im upset so i thought to myself..."self you should write today when you are happy!!" so here i sit at about midnight and i think i will tell you all about my happy little day! *smiles* yesterday i went to a party for a friend of the famliy (that is pretty much my uncle) it was his 40th birthday so his neice threw him a ginormous party that was SOOO much fun! i met someone which is werid for me just because i am REALLY REALLY shy when it comes to new people... but it was cool his name is Garrett and he is probablly one of the most decient people i have met in a very long time!! he goes to san marcos high which is conveinent because my school is right by there so hanging out is no problem. the party was a blast terry got my pretty drunk which i am not "proud" of but i had a great time and my parents didnt really care because 1)they were there and 2) it was terry who was giving me the drinks so it was a good time! now lets see today was the super bowl and my team lost but it was an awesome game!! my friend and his family came up and we had a little super bowl party which was very nice because it was quiet and not very busy. i guess next weekend they are having a party in Corona which kinda sucks just because i have to work the next day but that is the story of life right?? you do what you gotta do. i was thinking about everything earlier you know just about life in general and things are going to be great but kinda scary. i just hope that i keep in touch with my friend taylor from rancho because he is the only one there that has always been there for me through everything even after i moved away. his girlfriend used to be my neighbor and good friend but now she doesnt like me because she thinks that i am tring to "steal" taylor away from her... YEAH RIGHT!! i would never do that!! then today the only bad thing that happened was i found out someone really close to me is doing crystal. when i heard that it felt like a little piece of me died. i already had my suspicions but to actually hear it from someone is just devistating. that is the hardest thing i think to watch someone that you loved with all you had just descinegrate right in front of you and you know that there is nothing you can do to help them. i hate that feeling of hopelessness!
BUT anyways!!
school is great
work is great
home could be better but is still good
my relationships are wonderful!!

now that i have rambled on abotu nothing i will go and sleep!!
♥ Jessica